"Raised in a brothel in the New Orleans red light district, one could hardly blame Beaverhausen for falling victim to the trappings of a derelict lifestyle. After finding faith at a Pentecostal snake handling revival, Beaverhausen turned her life around and she shares her tales with us. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hug your kids a little tighter." - Heywood Jablome - The Tijuana Times

"Beaverhausen has transformed my life with her inspirational accounts of child-rearing. I previously bathed my six kids every night, felt extreme guilt when they cried over having none of their five daddies around, and berated my self worth for not keeping an Architectural Digest home.
But now: I relax in my toy strewn home, knocking back my 4th glass of merlot while my 12 yr old rubs my aching corns. I threaten to leash my kids to the radiator and feel great! Oh, I raise my unshaven yeti-leg to you."
- Kallera Hoor

Monday, July 22, 2013

Go Home, Moscato. You're Drunk.

I am not in the least drawn to sweet wine, although I do enjoy a few good whites during the summer. In my humble opinion, there is never a good time for Moscato.  Unless maybe you're 18 years old and attempting to move up from Bartles & James wine coolers. If this is the case, bless you and your big girl shoes... You're gon-na make it after all!

The day I received my Bzzkit, I literally skipped and giggled all the way inside the house.  I was excited to start my review on the best Bzz campaign EVER!  I ripped open the envelope to find 5 coupons for Frontera wine.  Except… These weren’t instant coupons.  They were mail in rebates for $5.00 on TWO bottles of wine.  Uhh...  Where’s my free wine?  Adding insult to injury, the fine print stated only one may be used per household.  That won’t even cover my toddler’s drinking habit, let alone my own! 

After a few minutes of crying and ranting, I pulled on my big girl panties and drove my sober, sullen ass to the store.  Seeing as it was as hot as the devil’s ass crack in July, I opted for a giant chilled bottle of Frontera Chardonnay.  I invited my bestie and fellow wino, Karen, over to sip and review with me.

Dun da-da-DUN… And now for the actual wine review.  Frontera Chardonnay is exceedingly crisp and tart.  Almost like biting into an apple that hasn’t fully ripened yet.  It felt very “soda poppy,” (I just coined that term myself.  If you use it, I would appreciate royalties.*)  There was a slight effervescence as though it were really a Moscato trying to put on her older sister’s (Chardonnay), high heeled shoes to go clubbing with a fake ID.  And everyone knows big brother Merlot, will be the one bailing her out of juvie at 3am for public intoxication and nudity.  Silly girl.  One day you'll learn to stay home and answer the door to Dennis the pizza guy with powdered sugar sprinkled over your cleavage and spinach in your teeth.  HAWT.

So, did Moscato learn her lesson, or are Chardonnay’s heels just a tad too high?  Pttthhhh!  A LOT too high, I reckon.

I’ll be digging in the couch cushions for my own, hard earned change this weekend in order to review their trendy cousin, Pinot Noir.  Mail-in rebate, my hiney.  I'll be sure to give them out as stocking stuffers to PEOPLE I HATE.

*Note: $5 Frontera mail-in rebate coupons will not be accepted.


  1. LOL! I thought it was a wonderful review! Bzz peeps need to relax. ;)

  2. LOL! I thought it was a wonderful review! Bzz peeps need to relax. ;)

  3. As hot as the devils ass crack. I heart you Erica