"Raised in a brothel in the New Orleans red light district, one could hardly blame Beaverhausen for falling victim to the trappings of a derelict lifestyle. After finding faith at a Pentecostal snake handling revival, Beaverhausen turned her life around and she shares her tales with us. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hug your kids a little tighter." - Heywood Jablome - The Tijuana Times

"Beaverhausen has transformed my life with her inspirational accounts of child-rearing. I previously bathed my six kids every night, felt extreme guilt when they cried over having none of their five daddies around, and berated my self worth for not keeping an Architectural Digest home.
But now: I relax in my toy strewn home, knocking back my 4th glass of merlot while my 12 yr old rubs my aching corns. I threaten to leash my kids to the radiator and feel great! Oh, I raise my unshaven yeti-leg to you."
- Kallera Hoor

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Wine Safety and You

Do you have a small child who interferes with your "me time"?  If you have a child who does not yet appreciate the fact that Mommy needs time to drink her wine alone, follow me as I wind my way through the tricky, tricky maze of parenting and drinking.

1. Appropriate Carrying Equipment:
After selecting several bottles of sub-par wine, purchased under $12.99 per bottle, be sure to choose the appropriate cloth carrier for your precious loot. Please note that a plastic bag is an improper device in which to carry your Precious and could possibly result in a murder scene in your driveway.

2. Transporting Precious Cargo
Each wine bottle should have its own car seat. NO SHARING! Rear facing, five-point harness is recommended for those who truly love their wine.  Any other method of transportation deserves a slap on the ass and the confiscation and donation of the wine to someone more deserving and well scripted in wine safety.

3. Swaddling and Comfort
It is important to remember that wine is only ready to breathe 15-20 minutes before drinking.  Until you are ready to open the bottle, be sure to swaddle the wine tightly.  This also prevents grubby little hands from marring your beautiful bottles.  Remember, wine drinking should be an experience of all of the senses.  An ugly, sticky, toddler-hand-printed-bottle will most definitely take away from the aesthetics of the experience.

4. Teaching Children Independence
Gently usher small child out the back door, (remember, there are far too many cars driving willy-nilly down the street to allow the children to camp out on the front lawn.  Your child's safety comes first).  Be sure to set up a small sleeping area  on the deck with a bowl of water.  Years later, when they're in therapy, they can at least acknowledge that their basic needs were met.

5. Enjoy your me time  
You deserve it! You popped a taint on both of those big ol' noggins. Bottoms up!


  1. you crack me up!! much needed lunch laugh! lol. -Jenny

  2. I so love your writing! Great post! That picture of Sophia with the lip out cracks me up!

  3. Ha! It took a few tries to get the pic because she kept cracking up when I told her to show me her sad face.